Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, Minister of Truth

2003-04-16T15:40:00.000-04:00

A friend writes, "What's the deal with Abu Abbas? Were you Iraqis really harboring this evil terrorist serpent, or was his presence in Baghdad a complete surprise to everyone?" Shocked, is what we are, shocked! It is obvious to everyone that Mr. Abbas is what they call on the popular cop shows, a "throw down" terrorist. Abu was planted by the hapless infidels to distract the world from their devastating defeat. Speaking of the groveling lapdogs of the West, it was very gratifying to see all of the leaders of various Iraqi "opposition" groups sitting down yesterday and agreeing to bury the hatchet and declare their allegiance and devotion to Saddam. He is uniter, not divider, yes?

2003-04-15T11:50:00.000-04:00

Greetings from a secure, undisclosed location! haha. So many of you have written expressing concern that you have not seen me on TV recently, updating the world on the glorious victory over the imperialist swine crusaders. Is not to worry. While the American lackeys get started rebuilding our country, several of us have decided to take what the college kids call the "Spring Break", yes? Me, Tariq, The Comb-over, and a couple of guys from the Extra-Double-Special Republican Guard have rented a house in a nearby country. I don't want to say exactly what country, on account of we don't want just anyone crashing here at Par-tay Central, but I can tell you that it is a country that has not helped us at all in the past, has no WMD, does not harbor so-called "terrorists," and does not rhyme with "Myria." Really.

2003-04-11T17:07:00.000-04:00

A friend writes: "thank Allah for our friends in Russia and France for supplying us with such fine military equipment. Without such advanced war machinery the war could have been drawn out for hours, or possibly even days." This is so true! Major shout-out to our new best friends, France and Russia! We showed those unilateralist cowboys who is boss, yes? But something I've been meaning to ask... Dominique de Villepain - Dominique is woman's name, no? Either Mom and Dad play cruel trick, or that is one mannish gal!

2003-04-11T14:03:00.000-04:00

OK, I need to address this whole issue of "looting". What's going on here is not "looting", but "recycling". All of the ministry buildings and other offices are getting (at expense of emasculated and enslaved Coalition, of course) new furniture, computers, etc., as part of "Operation Remodel Iraq." All the old stuff has to go somewhere, right? So everyone has been invited to come and take whatever they can use. Perhaps a desk chair and computer for home office. Maybe a new sink for guest bathroom. Everything must go! And don't tell Qusay, but I'm "recycling" his solid gold toilet and diamond encrusted bidet from Palace #27. I'm all about the bling-bling, baby!

2003-04-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

How pleasing it is to hear defeated voices of George Bush and Tony Blair on our airwaves. We have been broadcasting their formal apology since yesterday. As part of comprehensive surrender agreement, the bile-swilling spawn of Satan are required to provide us with a new digital high definition satellite TV system. I can’t wait to get The Learning Channel! Tariq Aziz and I are going to try to get on Trading Spaces.

2003-04-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

OH NO, they found a truck with a fridge in it! Hahaha. The latest pack of lies from the now-enslaved “Coalition” is that they found a truck with a refrigerator, large bins, and a pulley system. Somehow in their deluded infidel minds, this makes it a “mobile bio-weapons lab.” Apparently our unfortunate would-be conquerors have never seen an ICE CREAM TRUCK. We take great pride in our mobile ice cream and frozen yogurt industry. Ooh, yogurt has bacteria in it – scary! Hahahah, idiots.

2003-04-10T13:11:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Day 2 of our new post war country. I am a little hung over from all of the victory celebrations yesterday (that Tariq Aziz mixes a mean margarita). You may be wondering who all these new people are in Baghdad. Well, as part of the terms of their surrender, the American poodle army has been brought in chains to Baghdad by the victorious Iraqi people. They are now to be our slaves. We make them run the country while Saddam and the leadership take a long and well-deserved vacation. There is much work for them to do, so we make them start immediately. That will teach the infidels to mess with the bravest and most capable army in the Arab world.

2003-04-09T19:31:00.000-04:00

I just saw Mohammed al-Douri, our illustrious UN Ambassador (or as I like to call him, “The Comb-over”) on my bootleg satellite. He says the war is over. Well, no duh, Mo, it’s been over for weeks, remember? * wink wink * I guess news travels slowly to Big Apple, Mr. Upper East Side.
So, it looks like everything is going according to plan…The infidel army of puppies is defeated (we keep all their tanks to use as new taxis), the war is over, UN will drop the pesky sanctions, and prosperity will once again come to our quiet peace-loving country. I’m thinking of opening a Starbucks franchise.

2003-04-09T16:34:00.000-04:00

I decided to take a comp day today, as I have been working such long hours. Still, the phone rings off the hook. Everyone wants to know about the statue, and am I watching the “celebrations” on TV.
OK, here’s the deal. Periodically, statues of Saddam are taken down for cleaning. We pull them down with crane, and pull them around on the ground to loosen the dirt and bird poo. This is what you are seeing today. Joyous crowds gather when we do this, as you can see. They throw their shoes at the statue, as a way of saying “Thank you great Saddam, in your presence we are not worthy to wear shoes. Please have our shoes, they are no use to mere mortals like us. May the infidel invaders be squashed by our bare feet and drown in their own bile.” Very moving, yes? Then, happy children ride on statue, like big Grandpa. It is a festival atmosphere.

2003-04-09T13:02:00.000-04:00

So I get this call the other night, “Big meeting at the safe house tomorrow morning, everyone will be there, keep it under your beret.” I’m running late, and show up a few minutes after the start of the meeting, and safe house is gone. Just big pile of rubble. Obviously, they finished the meeting quickly and then tore down the building to throw off the invading American kitten-army. Very shrewd, but can a brother get an email with the meeting minutes and action items? I’m the Information Minister, after all.

2003-04-08T13:20:00.000-04:00

Open Letter To Saddam (Someone is still not answering his cellphone.)
Dear Cousin Saddam - I hope you get this, as I don't know if you can get to the net from Assad's palace in Syria. How was your trip? Did the Peter Arnet disguise work? ahahahha, you so crazy! Anywho, wanted to let you know that I started one of these "blog" thingies yesterday. It's been so stressful the last few weeks in Baghdad (remember Baghdad? Little town on the Tigris, you should visit sometime... ha) that I had to have somewhere to vent. So give it a look, and pick up a phone once in a while, ok?
Mo

2003-04-08T11:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, I wasn’t going to say anything in public on account of all Arabs must unite before the infidel army of Satan and all, but dammit, Al Jazeera is really starting to piss me off. First they broadcast all of this footage of bombs going off all over the city, and now they’re showing tanks and troops and dead bodies and everything…. HELL-LO, people! Did they not get the memo? THERE ARE NO TANKS OR TROOPS OR BOMBS IN BAGHDAD, THE WRETCHED INFIDEL HAS CHOKED ON THE BITTER VOMIT OF HIS ANCESTORS AND IS FLEEING BACK TO KUWAIT. Sheesh. Am I the only one sticking to the story here? Can I get some help from my peeps in the Arab press? Sometimes it feels like it’s just me and the guy who makes the Osama bin Laden tapes carrying this whole thing.

2003-04-07T16:11:00.000-04:00

When cousin Saddam gave me this job, I was really excited, but now I’m having second thoughts. It would be nice to have a little feedback on how I’m doing, but I haven’t heard from Saddam, or those two nutcase sons of his, or any of the other bigwigs for a couple of weeks now. The last time I talked to him, he says, “don’t worry about the Americans, they will impale themselves on the spears of the brave defenders of Baghdad.” I’m not even sure I know what this means, but far be it from me to start freelancing in a press conference, so I’m sticking to the story. These foreign press people are really starting to get on my last nerve. Every day it’s “what about the bombs”, “what about the tanks”, “what about the missles.” They never want to talk about the latest video of Saddam, (a little secret - in the last one, it was me - hahaha…) Here’s the sort of thing I’m putting up with every day:
Me: ... then after the reception, Saddam will greet Fatima Moustani, of the Iraqi Girl Scouts to congratulate her on her top sales of Girl Scout Flafel. Questions?
Reporter: Tanks have been seen today rolling through the streets of Baghdad. Any comment?
Me: Tanks? (looking at notes) No, I have nothing about any tanks. Next?
Reporter: No really, there are lots of American tanks and soldiers... did you not see them on your way in?
Me: No. I drove in today, no tanks. Just peaceful day in Baghdad.
Reporter: The airport has been taken, the city is crawling with American troops, and the big statue of Saddam was knocked down. And you have no comment on any of this?
Me: Well now that's just silly. I find it hard to believe that all those things happened since the Americans were all burned alive at the gates of the city and supped on their own entrails. That hardly sounds like "take the airport" now does it?
Reporter: Um, there's a soldier standing right next to you with a gun at your head...
Me: Is vision... you need sleep, yes?
Ugh. I wish Cousin Saddam would call.